Our Time In The Wilderness

The world as we knew it began to change in June 2009.  It became absolutely clear that I could no longer stay with the company I had helped found in 1991.   By February of 2010, I was a consultant, flying to Denver every Monday morning and home on Thursday evening to help install a software system I had helped build as part of a company I had helped build.  In March, we put our Atlanta house on the market, believing that we had an opportunity to move back to my homeplace in Kentucky.

Time went on, and that summer brought us the greatest tragedy of our lives, the loss of niece Liza on July 6, 2010.  The Great Pha spent his 72nd birthday in a receiving line at her memorial service.  At that point, TGP also had the beginnings of the recurrence of his prostate cancer.

It’s hard to even reconstruct the timeline subsequent to that, which is partly why I am writing this.  It helps to record it clearly (or at least semi-clearly).

Time moved on and reality didn’t get much easier.  Our house had had very little serious buyer traffic and in early November, we took it off the market.  We were in Charlotte at the dedication of a tree to Liza at a city park,

when our bartender and real estate agent, Bill Wrench, called to ask us if a couple could look at the house.  Eleanor had returned to ATL for a short stint at home, so her bedroom downstairs was not in a state to be shown.  With that caveat, we told Bill to let the potential buyers see the house.  That was a Friday.  By Sunday, we had an agreed upon sales price.

The extra challenge was that the buyers were Hindu and the wife’s mother in India told them they had to be in the house by December 10th (I kid you not).  Numerology was involved somehow.  We negotiated everything else, but in the end had to deal with a 10 day departure.  Many thanks to Friehoffer Moving; they did an amazing job boxing up everything we owned.

Like Blanche Dubois, we had to rely on the kindness of strangers.  We stayed with the Morellis for a while.  We went to New Hampshire with brother Dunn and family for Christmas.  Then, to keep from commuting 1400 miles every week, and because we didn’t have a house, MA & I drove out to Denver

We got out late (ATL brunch with the girls), so we spend our first night in Tupelo,MS.  We ate ribs at Corky’s in Memphis.   We listened to XM Elvis as we drove to Graceland.  We spent our 28th wedding anniversary at a Fairfield Suites in Tulsa,OK.  It was snowing;and I was really showing MA the world.  During the long drive, MA was somewhat uncomfortable with a sinus infection.  We got to the apartment (I had upgraded my Colorado housing in anticipation of her arrival) and she added some leg pain to her issues.  One week into our western adventure, and I had to spend a week in Pueblo, CO, where the Marriott and the Hampton Inn were fully booked, so we stayed at the Comfort Inn, right on the Interstate.
The terriorists (pictured here back in Atlanta) were with us, but I was able to leave work and come to the Comfort Inn and walk them during the day.  We progressed through January.   Mary Anne’s head was better, but her leg pain was getting worse.  The doc-in-the-box couldn’t find anything wrong, even in an X-ray, so prescribed some pain-killers.  The PA at the orthopedist also couldn’t find anything wrong, but prescribed an MRI of the hip.  That led to a diagnosis of a hairline fracture of the neck of the femur.  The orthopedic surgeon prescribed 8 weeks of no weight bearing.  So, in a small apartment in Greenwood Village, CO, we got MA a wheelchair, and settled into a routine.  I came home every day at noon to walk the dogs out and we just lived pretty close.

As a break in that routine, Caroline and friend Katy came out and the four of us went to Breckenridge to ski.  During that weekend, the house I grew up in came up for sale on Auction.com.  Without as much hesitation as you might think, I worked with cousin Berkeley and we put some pre-bids on Millstream 1.0.  By the time we came down from the mountains, we were on the way to owning land in the Bluegrass.

Mary Anne’s recovery plan was supposed to be eight weeks of non-weight bearing, with a check at four weeks.  After 4 weeks in the wheelchair, we went to visit the orthopedist.  I will never forget him walking into the exam room, looking at the X-ray on display on the monitor 10 feet away and saying “Oh, that’s not good”.  Turns out the neck of the femur had completely broken at some point during the four weeks.  This was a Tuesday and he told us he was going skiing in Switzerland on Thursday.  So, either we could be worked in for a hip replacement the next day, or we could wait 10 days.  Since clearly, nothing was going to get better until we had the surgery, we opted for an operation the next day.

Finally at least knowing the source of the pain might have made it better, but that was the hardest night we had.  I remember we were up watching “Yankee Doodle Dandy” in the wee hours of the morning, waiting for our turn in surgery.

I used this blog for updates that week. And then we were out of the hospital.

MA did physical therapy at the apartment and worked at spending less time in the wheelchair.  It was a long, slow process of healing.

By April, we were ready to come home.  But where was home?  Friend Kim (an architect) offered to have us stay with them.  He had recently hosted his father, during his recovery from hip surgery  Mary Anne flew from Denver to Cincinnati, at almost the same time Kim flew CVG to DEN.  I picked Kim up at the airport around 6pm and we headed east.  By noon the next day, we had driven 1200 miles and were at Kim’s house.

That’s a really good friend

Kim was generous enough to let us build an outdoor space for the dogs,

and I started to commute from Cincy to Denver.  In the evenings while I was gone, Kim, his wife Sarah, and MA would design our new house.  I’d come back on Thursday nights and see what the plans looked like that week.

After two months, we were ready to get a little place of our own.  Cousin Berkeley had just bought a small rental house in south Lexington.  It had a huge back yard for the dogs to run in.  

We moved in June 1.  Rather than rent 3 storage units, we filled up the garage and the 3rd bedroom with boxes.  Literally, filled them up

House plans were complete enough to arrange financing for the Barbie Dream House.  We moved forward with those plans and were working toward a ground breaking by August.  About the same time, Pha began to get worse with his terminal prostate cancer and he was admitted to hospice.  It was a difficult time for Muv to be alone, so we packed some clothes and set ourselves up in Pinehurst.  We met Caroline in Knoxville on the way, so she could take the terriers to Atlanta.  We weren’t sure how long we would be in Pinehurst, but assumed it would be for the duration.

I was booking flights 3 weeks out at that point, so kept checking about whether we should stay.  We continued to feel like we were helping during that hard time, so I was now commuting from Pinehurst to Denver every week.  3:45am wake up in Pinehurst - 10:30 MT at the desk in Denver on Monday mornings.  I’d get back to Pinehurst about midnight on Thursdays, but Pha was usually awake.  He wanted to hear about how my week had gone.

We flew back to Lexington for a weekend in September so Mary Anne could start her new MS medicine, Gilenya.  We landed in Cincy and borrowed Kim’s car to drive to LEX.  We had been at the rental house for about 30 minutes when cousin Berk called to say there was a strange car in the driveway at our house.  I told my landlord it was Kim’s car and we had driven it there, so all was well.  Then I opened the door and let Berk in.  It’s great to have family looking after you.

The house my parents had built had been razed by then, so we enjoyed the opportunity to see the footers for Millstream 2.0.  

We went back to Pinehurst and Pha got through his third chemo session.  The sessions were kind of hard on him, but clearly did what they were supposed to do.  His symptoms plateaued and he was doing pretty well.  By mid-October, it was clear that staying for the duration was going to be an indeterminately long time, so we packed up again and headed back to the rental on Seattle drive in Lexington.

We spent Thanksgiving week back in Pinehurst, with the entire family.  It was a great week. Most folks left on Saturday and by dinner Saturday night, Pha couldn’t even sit up and eat. It was the beginning of a more serious decline.

We had all planned to go to Puerto Rico with Dunn for Christmas.  As the time approached, we didn’t want Muv to be alone with Pha for Christmas, so MA and Eleanor decided to go to Pinehurst.  I flew to PR from Raleigh and enjoyed Christmas with Dunn, Julie, Jordan, Sophia, Caroline and BIll.  First Christmas Day without MA since 1982.

By this time, I had changed clients, so I was not flying to Denver every week.  It was a blessing to work from the house on Seattle Drive for a while, and it was an important time to be at the new house under construction making decisions about light switch placement and other matters of great import.

In early February, as I was visiting sister Piel and her husband Paul and taking care of niece Lucy while Piel had some thyroid cancer surgery, Muv called.  Pha was clearly near the end and it was time for us to go back.  As soon as I returned from Boston, MA & I packed up again and drove to Pinehurst.

Pha died peacefully on Feb 14, 2012, a few days after we got there.  We had a service in Pinehurst that weekend and planned another for the KY crowd a couple of weeks later.

I had hoped to be in the house by Derby Day.  Things weren’t ready enough for that, but we moved in June 1, and got our occupancy permit on June 2.

We’ve been settling ever since.  It’s absolutely extraordinary to be back in EXACTLY the same spot where I grew up.  I feel Pha here in very real ways.  In 1982, I wrote in my journal during sophomore year at Yale that I aspired to be an educated provincial.  I never thought it would happen, but now that’s what I’m on my way to be.

I hope to write more.  This was a very long story, but it was a very long two years.  Thanks to all of our friends and family for their love and support.

Come visit us by the creek.